Although I love challenges, new experiences frighten me.
I wanted to run away from just about every new experience in graduate school that threatened to challenge me personally, to force me out of my comfort zone.
Class assignments and discussions were typically no problem. However, there came a time when graduate classes ended, and the next phase arrived. My comprehensive exam came in the form of essays. Not too much of a problem for an English major like myself.
But once I passed my comps, something much more challenging was lurking on the other side: the unknown.
I was honestly afraid of the next phase. Writing a dissertation proposal felt beyond me. It seemed overwhelming and, standing on the outside, I couldn’t see my way through it. And that frightened me.
“What would happen if I walked away? What would that process look like? I could just stop here rather than risking the struggle that the proposal would bring.”
But despite my fear, my stubbornness and faith had other plans.
“Stay strong and keep pushing,” they said. And so I did.
And guess what. I got through the dissertation proposal.
Then, the idea of beginning my research terrified me. My study focused on how high school English teachers teach Black literature. And to figure that out, I would have to survey and interview teachers. Then, my doubts rolled in:
“Why did I design a study like that? I’m an introvert. Why would I design something that makes me talk to people? What if no one wants to participate? Maybe I should just walk away right now. Take the ABD and return the classroom.”
But despite these doubts, again my stubbornness and faith reminded me of what I was telling my colleagues,
“Stay strong and keep pushing.”
After the research was collected, the idea of pulling it all together into a sound argument for my dissertation again intimidated me.
But I listened to the drive within me and kept pushing through that fear, challenge, imposter syndrome, growing pain, or whatever you want to call it.
I pushed through to not only successfully defend my dissertation but also win 1st place in my school’s Three-Minute Thesis competition AND earn the privilege to give the student speech at the hooding ceremony.
Since earning my doctorate, I haven’t had to deal with that shadow much.
But now I’m writing a memoir of my experiences as a Black male teacher, and it’s returned. For me, this memoir is not some standard essay or surface-level personal narrative. To write and even think about this book, I must face things that feel heavy to face. I then have to use my words to give form to those things.
And the fear is palpable.
It lies in the center of my chest, filling my body with questions, worries, uncertainties, trepidation. I’ve written the first two chapters, and each sentence digs deeper into the what and the why of me.
It’s uncomfortable, but it’s real. And because it’s real, I suppose I should stay strong and keep pushing. And if it’s real for me, it’s real for someone else–especially someone trying to face their own shadows.
So I’ll stay strong and keep pushing. And so should you. Despite the fear, despite the constraints that you place on yourself, despite how far the journey seems, despite the pushback and negative feedback you’re receiving, stay strong and keep pushing. Every step forward casts your words and experiences into the void for someone to latch on to.
